Halfway Whole and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves Read online

  “Yes you are.” She hopped up on the counter beside her plate.

  “I’m not.” I wasn’t entirely sure why I was arguing with a ten-year-old, but even siblings with huge age gaps were still siblings.

  “You are.” Jaylin pointed to me. “That’s why you are here. And I think that’s why she’s here too.”

  “Please try to remember you’re only ten.”

  “Yes, but as I keep telling you, that’s old enough to know things.”

  “Inviting Brooke over was the right move,” I had to admit that.

  “Even though she left like that?” Jaylin swung her legs.

  “Precisely because she left like that. She needs us.”

  “Sometimes you sound really wise for twenty-six.” Jaylin stuck out her tongue.

  “Ok. Good. I knew there was some little kid still in there.”

  Three

  Brooke

  Great. I’d turned a nice evening into a disaster. Every time I thought I was ready to handle social situations I lost it. At least this time I’d held my tears in before anyone saw me. But I’d been rude, and I was sure that would be my last invitation. That was probably a good thing even if Logan has the kindest eyes I’d ever seen.

  I needed to stay away from people. That’s what the next six months were all about. Isolation from the rest of the world.

  The problem was I didn’t do isolation well. The cabin felt lonely, very lonely, that is until the little dog ran over and jumped on me.

  “I suppose I should name you. Calling you little dog is going to get old.”

  And there I was talking to the dog again. A new bad habit I was never going to break. I had already lost it. No reason to reign it in. “Maple. Yes. That’s perfect.” I pet her head. “What do you think?”

  She licked my hand. “Yes. Ok. So we are in agreement.”

  Thankfully I had found dog food in the cabin. Along with a leash, bowl, and a few toys. I searched the small space to make sure I hadn’t made an even bigger mistake when I went over to the neighbors: Leaving Maple loose. Thankfully I didn’t see a mess, but I wasn’t going to leave things up to chance. I hooked on Maple’s leash and headed outside. Another advantage to having a fury roommate. I’d never have to walk alone.

  I inserted the key and tried to lock it. The key stuck a little, but I eventually got it to turn. The same thing had happened when I’d gone to dinner next door. I was really going to have to call someone to look at it. Frank had mentioned a handy-man during our initial phone call.

  Maple tugged at her leash. “Ok. Girl. I’m coming.”

  The dirt road split off at the end of our row of cabins. I turned left, heading down right along the lake. The water was dark and calm, and the shimmer from the setting sun made it hard to look directly. The trees were thick with green leaves, and I was sure Logan was right and it was even more beautiful in the fall. I could picture the different shades of red, orange, and yellow leaves. I let Maple set the pace, and it alternated from her running to stopping short so she could smell things. I didn’t mind. I was in no rush beyond wanting to get back before the sun completely disappeared.

  “Hey.”

  I turned to find Logan a few steps behind me. We were stopped again, but at the sight of him, Maple started jumping all around.

  “Hey.” My heart rate accelerated at the sight of him. Maybe Maple and I had more in common than I thought. “Sorry I ran out so quickly earlier.”

  “No need to apologize. My food has done worse.” He smiled, it was a wide reassuring smile that revealed all his teeth.

  “Oh. No. It wasn’t that.”

  “I know.” His smile widened. “Just a joke. Lightening the mood.”

  “Sorry. I’m bad at that.” I adjusted my hold on Maple’s leash.

  “Bad at lightening the mood?” He reached down to pet Maple.

  “No. Bad at knowing when someone is joking.” I looked out at the lake. “My ex—” I stopped myself. No more talking about Will. Ever. I snuck a glance over at Logan to see if I’d done more damage.

  Logan opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, but then closed it. Then he opened it again. “I can teach you, you know.”

  “Teach me how to take a joke?” I wasn’t sure whether to be insulted or not.

  “Yeah, but it’s going to cost ya.”

  “Cost me? You charge for your services?” I really hoped no one was listening to this conversation. They may have gotten the wrong idea.

  “Only for that service. And a nominal fee really.”

  “How nominal?” Maple tugged on her leash, so I started walking. I assumed he’d follow. And he did.

  “Funny you should ask as you already seem primed to do it.”

  I glanced over. His eyes were so gorgeous. I didn’t know grey eyes could be that pretty. “Oh?”

  “Walk around the lake with me.”

  “That’s the cost?”

  “Yes. Think you can handle it?”

  I looked up at the darkening sky. “Sure. I can handle it, but only if you promise not to get us lost in the dark.”

  “How about if I promise the opposite?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “Ok. I know that’s a joke.” Maple stopped at a large oak tree. She must have smelled something, because she had no interest in moving.

  “Yes. See? You’ve got this.” He put his hands in the pockets of his khaki shorts.

  “That was an obvious one.”

  “Eventually they will all be obvious to you.” He held out his hand toward Maple’s leash. “May I?”

  “Absolutely.” I let it fall into his hand, and our fingers brushed. The momentary contact sent a wave of awareness through me. “But be careful. Maple likes to tug.”

  “Maple, huh?” He knelt down beside her. “You a syrup fan?”

  “She is the same color.”

  “Ah. Yes. I see it now.”

  “Plus, she’s really sweet.”

  He looked up at me. “Enjoying your little gift, huh?”

  “I don’t mind the company.” I hadn’t planned on having a canine companion, but now that I had one, I was glad I did.

  “I grew up with dogs, they are good to have.”

  “Same here. I always had one.”

  Maple started walking, and like good obedient walkers, we followed.

  I watched as the red and orange streaks moved lower in the sky. “I think I understand why you don’t want to leave this place.”

  “Who says I don’t want to leave?”

  “Sorry. Ugh.” I couldn’t seem to stop putting my foot in my mouth. This never used to be a problem for me, but then again I never used to open my mouth. I stayed under the radar and let others do the talking.

  “And this might be a perfect spot to start my lessons.”

  “Wait. That was a joke?” Relief washed over me.

  “Sort of.” He untangled Maple’s leash.

  “Sort of?” I glanced over at him. “There are now sort of jokes to follow along with?”

  “I just mean I never actually thought of leaving. It’s not about wanting to or not. And I did leave, for a few years. But I always knew I’d be back.”

  “Got it.” I nodded.

  “Do you?”

  “I think so. It wasn’t a conscious decision to stay or to not leave, however you want to put it. It was just something you did.”

  “Sounds like you can relate.” He turned and started to lead Maple through the trees closer to the lake.

  I wasn’t positive what he was doing, but I assumed he knew what he was doing. “Not exactly, but kind of.”

  “That sounds an awful lot like the sort-of joke you just criticized.” He led the way out onto a small dock. The kind you’d jump in the water off of and maybe launch a kayak or canoe.

  “I don’t know it in terms of leaving a place. But in terms of making other decisions without really knowing it.”

  “Ok. Was that so hard?” He sat down at the edge with his legs hanging off.
Maple sat down beside him.

  I sat on the other side of Maple. “I’ve learned that it’s usually better for me to keep my crazy to myself.”

  “Your crazy?” His brows furrowed together. “I don’t see any crazy.”

  “I guess I’m doing an okay job of holding it in.”

  He smiled. “Ok. You do know how to make a joke.”

  “How do you know I was joking?” I swung my legs.

  “Because of how you said it. It was all in the delivery.”

  “The delivery, huh? Was it my downcast eyes? The tone of my voice?” The sun was nearly gone. I should have been heading back, but I was trusting Logan. Hopefully that wouldn’t end up being a major mistake.

  “Your eyes weren’t downcast.”

  “I guess not. So maybe that’s it. When they’re not downcast I’m joking.”

  “Give me enough time and I'll learn all of your tells.” He patted Maple’s head.

  “I’ll be here six months. You’ll see them. And you’ll eventually see my crazy. As you kind of did earlier.”

  “That wasn’t crazy.”

  “It was. And rude. I’m sorry about that.”

  “Please, no more apologizing. I know you randomly found Forest Lake doing a search, but why were you doing that search?”

  “Oh. The million dollar question.” I was glad we were sitting in near darkness. He couldn’t read my expression.

  “No, the million dollar question is why do you feel the need to hide your crazy? The why you were doing the searching is the half a million dollar one.”

  “I hide my crazy because I am tired of scaring everyone away.”

  “Yet you are the one who ran away.” He wasn’t asking a question. It was a statement.

  “Who says I ran away?”

  “You are the one who did the search for cheap cabins in the middle of nowhere.”

  Maybe I wasn’t so hard to read after all. “True. I did.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to tell me. Everyone is entitled to their secrets.”

  “It’s not a good secret.” Not by a long shot. One that festered and that constantly stayed with me. It wasn’t really a secret. More of a shame and hurt so deep I was afraid it would never be erased.

  “Maybe it’s all in how you look at it.”

  “There’s no positive spin on this one.”

  “Well, it brought you to Forest Lake. Maybe in the end that’s what makes the secret good.”

  “Maybe.” I needed to change the subject from me and keep it off me. “Jaylin is really cute.”

  “She is. She’s a good kid.”

  “Very outgoing. That can be a good thing.” I adjusted Maple’s collar so the tag was hanging in the middle.

  “I love how you hedged that. Can be a good thing.” He laughed. He had a really good laugh that was both deep and light.

  I laughed too, “Sorry. Like I said, I’m in marketing. It’s all about putting a spin on things.”

  “How does one get into marketing?”

  Ugh. How did I allow the conversation to move back to me already? “Lots of different ways.”

  “Is this somehow another secret?”

  “No. It’s not. It’s rather boring though.”

  “Let me determine what’s boring.”

  Maple jumped up and started to bark into the darkness behind us.

  I moved to my feet as did Logan.

  “Logan. Hi.” A petite girl with a high ponytail walked toward us.

  “Hey, A.J.” Logan gave her a nod.

  Maple started to bark.

  “You really should keep your dog under control.”

  “Sorry. Not really my dog. Just came with the rental.” I bent down next to Maple. “Calm down. Stop barking.”

  “Came with the rental?” she snapped.

  “A.J. this is Brooke. She’s renting the cabin next to mine. And yes. The dog came with the rental.”

  “Because that’s responsible pet ownership.”

  I straightened up. “I didn’t ask for it.”

  “Of course you didn’t,” the girl mumbled. Maple started to bark. Louder.

  “We’ll get Maple to quiet down.” Logan knelt down beside me and Maple.

  “We?” A.J.’s voice lilted. “Don’t you have enough on your plate, Logan? Why is this dog your responsibility?”

  “Because she’s my neighbor.”

  I remembered what Jaylin had said. About him being neighborly—well not neighborly. He was definitely being neighborly now.

  “I’ll figure it out.” I took Maple’s leash from Logan. “Nice to meet you.” I didn’t bother holding out a hand. I was sure she had no interest in shaking it. But then again, I’d just lied through my teeth. It was not nice to meet her at all.

  “We need to talk, Logan.” A.J. crossed her arms.

  “There is absolutely nothing to talk about,” Logan frowned.

  “Yes, there is. There is a lot to talk about.”

  I really needed to get out of there. “Hey, I can let you guys talk.” I headed back through the clearing. I was pretty sure I just needed to turn right and then right again and I’d get back.

  “Wait, Brooke!” Logan called. “Let me walk you back.”

  “I’m sure she can handle the walk back herself,” A.J. snapped.

  “Oh, I’m sure she can, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to accompany her.” There was a thick layer of annoyance in his voice. “Bye, A.J., have a good evening.”

  He joined me on the path and we started back.

  I had to say something about that less than pleasant interaction. “So. A.J.?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes. A.J. Sorry about her. Not everyone in Forest Lake is that bad.”

  “I know. I’ve met you and Jaylin. And Frank seemed nice enough. If not lackadaisical on his renting procedures.”

  Logan laughed. “Yeah, I can see where you’d think that.”

  “Only think that?” I stopped to let Maple sniff again. It may have been dark, but I wasn’t looking forward to going back yet.

  “I guarantee he did his homework on you. He doesn’t make mistakes when it comes to who he rents to.”

  “Oh. Guess he’s pretty sly about it.”

  “Doesn’t share the details around though. Don’t worry.”

  “Wouldn’t matter anyway. Not much to know about me.”

  “Not even those secrets?” He walked over so he was closer by my side.

  “The secret isn’t very exciting.”

  “So you say.”

  “It’s true.” And it wasn’t one anyone actually wanted to hear about. “I’m sorry if you wanted to stay and talk to AJ.”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Some history there?” I took careful steps as Maple pulled us along.

  “Very observant.”

  “I won’t ask.”

  “Please don’t. It’s not worth it.”

  “How about we both keep our secrets for now?” Telling Logan more of my story wasn’t high on my list.

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “A.J. was right about Maple. It’s pretty irresponsible of me to just go along with this the dog comes with the rental plan.”

  “Well it’s not like you’ll have to give her back in the end. Your adoption of her goes beyond the term of the cabin rental.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “Relax. If you can’t take her when you leave, I’ll take her. And really, if she’s too much for you now, I can take her off her hands.”

  “No.” I gripped Maple’s leash tighter. “I mean, I don’t know about later, but for now we’re good.” I didn’t like the thought of walking into the cabin without her.

  “Absolutely. She is yours after all.”

  “What’s the real reason she was there? Maple that is.”

  “Jaylin said she told you.”

  “She told me it was because the last renters heard I was going to be living alone.” I turned right again, and the line
of cabins came into view.

  “They did. And the Allen’s aren’t really like regular renters. They are locals. They used that cabin on their honeymoon ages ago and like to go back once a year.”

  “Ah.” I tried not to think about it. I wasn’t sure if I could ever go back to my honeymoon spot ever again.

  “You okay?” Logan put a hand on my arm. It was a gentle touch. “Didn’t gross you out talking about someone returning to their honeymoon spot or anything? You have your own sheets.”

  “Ah, yeah. I know. Sorry. Just tired.”

  He removed his hand. “That’s what Jaylin says.”

  “Hmm?”

  “Jaylin says the same thing when she doesn’t want to talk about things.”

  “Ha,” I smiled. “Glad to know a ten-year-old and I have that in common.” His forwardness should have annoyed me. But somehow it didn’t. “It’s a good coverall excuse.”

  “So you admit it.”

  “Not everything has to stay secret.” And some things shouldn’t.

  We stopped right between the cabins. “Thanks for the company on the walk even if you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain.”

  “Oh yes. Teaching you the art of getting a joke. I’ll owe it to you as a rain check.”

  “I’ll hold you to it.”

  “You do just that.”

  I took Maple inside. “So that was an interesting walk, huh girl?” I was done pretending to care if it was weird that I was talking to her. What did it even matter?

  * * *

  I walked into the bedroom. Thankfully I’d already made my bed before dinner. I slid into bed, staying really close to the side and leaving nearly all of the queen bed empty. At least it was a queen. The king at my old apartment had been even more depressing.

  I felt the tears start and tried to push them away. One of these days I was going to finally get over it. But today wasn’t that day.

  Four

  Logan

  Brooke was dangerous. Maybe there wasn’t all that much she could do physically to me—but she was already wreaking havoc on me in all other ways.

  But life doesn’t give you things on your timeline, or even the things you want.

  It rarely does that. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Brooke was a sign from the universe I shouldn’t ignore. There was something about her eyes. A sadness there that I wished I could erase.