Forever Love: A Friends to Lovers Collections Page 36

  “I still can’t believe you followed me here.” I resisted the urge to dry her off myself. I couldn’t handle watching her in such discomfort.

  “You can push me away all you want, but I’m still your friend, and I still care about you more than you’ll ever know.” Her eyes locked with mine again. “I still love you.”

  “Love me?” Her words filled me with a mix of confusion and warmth.

  “Yes. I realized it a while back, but it took being pushed away to finally admit it out loud. I guess that’s life for you.”

  “I don’t know what I feel right now.” That wasn’t entirely true. I knew. I just didn’t know if I should feel that way. I didn’t deserve her love. Not after what happened with Dylan.

  “And that’s okay.” She looked at the ground. “But you do need to go back to Charleston, and you need to talk to your family.”

  “Could you get changed?” I couldn’t handle watching her stand there all wet.

  “Will you agree to come back to Charleston if I do?”

  “Are you using your health and well-being as leverage?” She had to realize how important her comfort and health were to me.

  “I know you care about me. You may not love me or ever want to be with me again, but that doesn’t mean you don’t care.” She looked down.

  “Of course I care. That’s the thing. I care so fucking much that it blinds me.”

  “What does that mean?” She bit her lip.

  “I cared so much I ignored my brother’s call for help. I was so fixated on you that I couldn’t see anything else.”

  She reached out a hand to me but then dropped it. “You have to know that whatever happened to Dylan has nothing to do with you.”

  “I ignored him when he needed me most.”

  “What did he need you for? Money or to clean up a mess he made? Isn’t that what you said he always calls about? I’m not trying to disrespect him, but do you really truly believe he was asking for another kind of help?”

  “He was a good driver. It couldn’t have been an accident.”

  “Unless he was drunk. You know that, but you’d prefer to blame yourself rather than to blame him. And that’s admirable, but sometimes it’s not about being admirable and defending someone else. Sometimes it’s about facing the truth and accepting that somethings are going to happen no matter what we do or say.”

  “Get changed.” I held out the clothes and towel again. She was right, and her words stung me in a place I didn’t know could hurt again. My heart.

  “Fine.” She pulled off her t-shirt and slid off her wet jeans. She stripped down right in front of me with no hesitation. She dried herself off while keeping her eyes fixed on me. There was nothing sexual about her actions. She wasn’t doing it to turn me on. She was doing it to prove a point.

  She pulled on the t-shirt and shorts with nothing underneath. At another time it would have driven me wild knowing she was wearing just my clothes, but my body couldn’t feel that way now. “Will you come back?”

  I shook my head. “Not yet.”

  “The funeral is tomorrow.”

  “And Dylan won’t know if I’m not there.” I looked away.

  “You’re not going for Dylan. You’re going for your mother.”

  I turned back to look at her. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Jade for long. “Have you talked to her?”

  I nodded. “Yes. She knows everything.”

  “Everything?” A few days ago I would have panicked, but it didn’t matter now.

  “Yes. She knows about us making the relationship up, but also how it all changed. How I fell hopelessly in love with you only to lose you as soon as I realized what was happening.” Tears streamed down her face and all I wanted to do was wipe them away, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to stop there. I was going to let her in, and I wasn’t sure I could. I didn’t want someone so full of life to see the darkness. “But that’s not why I’m here. That’s not what’s important.”

  “Of course it’s important.” Something snapped again, and this time I didn’t fight it. I pulled her into my arms and held her cold body against mine. “Everything about you is important.”

  “I wish I could make everything better for you, but I know I can’t. I just want to be here for you, to help you.”

  “I need you,” I admitted the very thing I’d fought against since hearing the news.

  “And I’m here.”

  “Why? Why are you here?”

  “I’ve already said it, but I’ll say it again. I love you, Kyle, and when you love someone you’ll do anything and everything to help them.”

  “I love you too.” Maybe it was a bad time to admit it. Dylan had only been dead a few days, but did that mean I couldn’t tell her how I really felt? That I couldn’t allow myself the one comfort I needed?

  She smiled through her tears. “You don’t have to say that.”

  “I mean it.” I looked deep into her brown eyes.

  “I know.” She took my hand. “That’s why you let me in.”

  I brushed my lips against hers gently. I couldn’t give her anymore, but somehow I knew that would be enough. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

  “You’re kind of stuck with me. My ride probably left.”

  “Your ride? Wait, how did you get here?” In all the craziness I’d forgotten she didn’t have a car at school.

  “Glen and Savy drove me up here.”

  “They’re good friends.” I owed Glen an apology, but first I needed to give another. I took Jade’s hands in mine. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t.” She brushed her lips against my stubble covered chin. “Don’t do that now. Let’s just be here. In this moment.”

  I said nothing, hoping she’d understand that my silence meant I was agreeing.

  She ran her hands down my chest. “Have you eaten anything? Is there anything here I can make you?”

  “You’re the guest.”

  “No, I’m not here as a guest.” She spoke so seriously. I wasn’t sure if it was out of hurt, worry, or fear, or maybe a combination of all three.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Me either, but have you eaten in the last day?” Her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

  “I have.” I’d forced myself to stop for lunch.

  “Good.” She tried to smile, but her lips didn’t quite make it fully into the position.

  “Want to go lie down?” I longed to hold her body against mine.

  “That sounds perfect.”

  I gripped her hand tightly in mine and led us to the bedroom. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything that night, and I knew she wasn’t either, but I needed to hold her. I needed to feel her body in my arms to know that everything would eventually be okay. I was going to make it someway, somehow.

  Jade

  I lay awake listening to his even breathing. Kyle was going to be okay. Whether he knew it or not, he’d come back from the loss and move on. I didn’t know if admitting my love for him during such a devastating time was a mistake, but taking Grace’s advice seemed like the only option. He needed to understand he wasn’t alone and he had so many people who loved him. If he couldn’t be strong for himself, he needed to be strong for everyone else.

  “Jade?” His soft voice broke me out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you awake?”

  I smiled to myself, remembering a similar conversation weeks earlier that had started the opposite way. “I’m awake.”

  “Want to go for a walk?”

  “Now?”

  “Yes. I need one.”

  “Absolutely.” I slipped out from under his arm. “Let me see if my clothes dried out yet.” I’d emptied out the entire contents of my bag in the hopes that something would be dry by morning.

  “What’s wrong with what you’re wearing?”

  I shrugged. The borrowed t-shirt and shorts were comfortable enough to sleep in, but I needed something else if we were going to walk any real d
istance. “I guess nothing, but I’d kind of like some underwear.”

  “All right, I get that.”

  Thankfully I found a dry pair of underwear, and I put them on under my borrowed clothes. Kyle watched me, not moving until I was fully dressed.

  “Stare much?” I teased. It felt good to tease him again.

  “I’ll never get tired of watching you.”

  “I never thought I’d hear you say that again.”

  “And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted.” His eyes said more than his words. The emotion inside them reminded me that I had to be careful. He was vulnerable.

  “Ready for that walk?”

  “Absolutely.” He took my hand and led me outside. The rain had stopped at some point, but the grass was wet. It was still dark out, but the chirping of birds suggested that morning was closer than it appeared.

  “Where are we going exactly?” I didn’t care where he was leading me, but I wanted to talk. Or really I wanted to hear him talk. I wanted to hear his voice somewhere other than his voicemail.

  “To my favorite spot.”

  “I’m excited to see it.” I squeezed his hand.

  We walked across the soggy ground, as I ignored how wet my feet were getting in my flip-flops, until we reached an old tree with a hunting stand perched in the high branches. The tree overlooked a large pond, and a ladder was attached to the side of the tree.

  He started up the ladder first. “We’re here just in time.”

  “In time for what?” I carefully climbed up the ladder rungs.

  “The sunrise. Dylan and I used to get up early and come out here to watch it when we were kids. There’s nothing like it.”

  He put an arm around me, and I leaned into his side. The sun started its breathtaking journey into the sky. The bright and vibrant colors were painted across the open sky, showing themselves little by little much in the same way my feelings for Kyle had grown.

  We sat there long after the sun had taken its place in the sky. We were both trying to hold onto the moment, a moment we knew couldn’t last.

  He kissed my forehead. “I guess we need to go.”

  “We do.” I didn’t want him to leave his happy place, but he needed to make the funeral. Not only would he regret it if he didn’t go, but it would hurt his family. Feeling guilty for something that wasn’t his fault was one thing, he didn’t need to give himself something real to feel bad about.

  He laced his fingers with mine. “Will you come with me?”

  I looked down at our entwined hands that fit together perfectly. “Of course.”

  “And after? You’re not going to leave?” There was a vulnerability in his eyes and voice that nearly broke me.

  “I’m here for as long as you need me.”

  “Even if that means forever?”

  “Even if it means forever.” I squeezed his hand.

  * * *

  Funerals are always hard, no matter who they are for. Death may be a natural part of life, but there is nothing that comes natural about laying someone to rest—especially when the person is as young as Dylan.

  My heart broke as I watched Grace and Steve standing by as his casket was lowered into the ground, but I forced myself to stay composed and focused on holding Kyle’s hand. He held on with dear life, almost hurting me with the intensity of his grip. He hadn’t said a word since we’d pulled up to the small graveside service open only to family and friends. Kyle had declined the opportunity to speak, and Dana did it instead.

  My friend Juliet gave me a sympathetic look from where she stood tucked against her boyfriend’s side. Her relationship with Dylan was complicated and ugly, but I knew she hadn’t come for him. She’d come for Grace and maybe herself. Sometimes you need to physically see something before you can get the closure you need.

  Kyle

  Two Months Later

  I looked out over the rail at the water slopping against the side of the bridge. Jade had convinced me that I needed closure, and I knew she was right. I brought a box of memories with me. I’d planned to toss them over the edge, but at the last moment I couldn’t.

  Jade and I had grown closer in the months since Dylan’s death, but it was as friends. Jade had insisted on it. At first I’d argued, terrified that it was her way of politely leaving me, but eventually I understood. I needed to heal before I could begin to face the challenges of building a real relationship with her.

  Neither of us dated anyone else, and she let me take her to her sorority date party. I’d already promised myself she’d never go to one alone again, but our time together was platonic, and as much as I wanted her, I resisted. They were the longest two months of my life.

  “Here, toss this instead.” She put one of the flowers she’d brought into my hand. “It will feel good.” Like the return to friendship idea, the road trip had been her idea as well. I’d learned to stop questioning Jade. She was full of good ideas, especially when it came to me.

  I tossed the yellow orchid in and watched as it slowly drifted down. The water accepted the offering, and the orchid drifted out to sea. I took another flower. And another, until they were all gone.

  We stood there watching the yellow and purple flowers floating away. Despite the flowers, the waves hadn’t changed at all. Nothing had. It all looked exactly the same. Just like there was no evidence of the way Dylan’s car had careened into the water at the exact spot two months before.

  Jade squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back. Despite all the hell of the past months, she was still there with me. No matter how hard I’d pushed her away she came right back.

  * * *

  “I’ve missed you so much.” She ran her hands down my chest in the same way she always had before. It felt good through my shirt, but I knew how good it felt when there was no cotton separating her soft fingers from my skin. We’d just arrived back on campus, and without either of us discussing it, I knew it was time.

  “I’ve missed you too.” I rubbed her back, marveling as always that she gave me the time of day. I knew I wasn’t the easiest guy to deal with, but it never seemed to deter her. I swore up and down that I’d make it all up to her. I’d be exactly the man she needed in her life. But for now all I could do was live in the moment, and enjoy the look of complete love on her face.

  “Don’t leave me again. I can’t lose you.” Her words were whispered as her lips brushed against my ear. She wasn’t talking about us breaking up, she was talking about the way I’d shut her out. I’d hurt her more than I’d realized at the time.

  “You never really lost me.” I took her hand in my own. “I only lost myself.”

  “I lost you.” Tears spilled down her unbelievably beautiful face.

  I wiped away a few tears. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

  “You only did it because you were hurting.”

  “That doesn’t excuse it.”

  “No, but it changes things.” She blinked a few times, offsetting a few tears that had settled on her eyelashes.

  “Why did you wait for me? Why are you still here when I pushed you away?”

  “Because love does messed up things to you.”

  “It does…” I pulled her closer. I needed to feel her heartbeat.

  “I never wanted to love you.”

  “I did. That’s all I wanted from you. Your love, and your heart.”

  “And it’s yours.” Her tears continued to pour from her eyes, and I knew wiping them away wasn’t enough. I left gentle kisses across her cheeks, trying to replace each tear with my lips.

  “How in the world did I ever get so lucky?”

  “You can’t mean that. With everything you’ve been through, you can’t actually feel lucky just because I’m here.”

  “That’s exactly how I feel.” I brushed my lips against hers. They were as soft and sweet as always. “You’ve brought more happiness to my life than you’ll ever know.” I returned my lips to hers, and we moved them together gently. But t
hat didn’t last. It couldn’t. We both sped up the pace, and she parted her lips to let me inside. I let my tongue enjoy coming home, as I slipped my hand under the bottom of her dress. I needed to feel her skin. I needed to feel her.

  She slipped her hand under my shirt, running her hand up and down my body in the teasing way she’d done the very first night at the lake.

  She broke the kiss. “I need you, Kyle.”

  “I need you too. I always need you.”

  “Show me.”

  I didn’t waste a moment. I slipped off her dress, taking in a breath as her bare breasts came into view. She pulled off my shirt slowly, before moving on to my pants and boxers. I gently laid her back down and pulled off her panties. I held back and just watched her. I watched the beautiful woman who I’d come so close to losing because I couldn’t stand the thought of loving anyone. “You are too beautiful for words.”

  “Thank you.” She locked eyes with me, and she didn’t cover up.

  I lowered my mouth to her breast while I cupped the other. I needed to explore every inch of her again as though it was the first time. In some ways it was. Neither of us were the same people we were that night at the lake, and neither of us were pretending that what we were about to share was anything short of everything.

  She moaned beneath me, gently stroking me with her hand. I released her breast with my mouth and left kisses all the way down her body while I slipped my hand between her legs.

  She opened up to me while locking her eyes with mine.

  “I need you, Jade.” I moved above her, watching for the signal that she was as ready as I was.

  “Show me you need me.”

  I nodded before thrusting into her. I didn’t take it slow or gentle. I moved in and out quickly, needing the full length of myself inside her, needing to feel complete.

  She wrapped her legs around me as she pulled my head down to meet hers. Her lips eagerly melded with mine. The combination of her lips on mine while I moved inside her was almost too much.

  She moaned, her body heaving underneath me. I broke the kiss long enough to say the words I needed to say. “I love you, Jade.”